Here I Go Again on My Own.

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day

The next boy I even consider dating. I mean even glance at and even for a brief fleeting moment think is attractive, even half-attractive - better be encased in platinum and dripping with ice.

He better come love Starbucks as much as I do, be content to sit around and watch television, bad television, for days on end. He better come to IKEA with me, help me bake cookies and eat as much of the dough as I do. He better love to go for runs with me and encourage me when I get winded. He better drive a nice car but let me listen to my own music while I'm in it. He better be smart. He better be kind.

And he better be like no other guy I've ever met.

And if he never comes. If he gets stuck somewhere and our paths never cross. Okay.

I won't settle ever again. I won't accept any more apologies and I will not give any more second chances. I've given enough, when not one of them gave me one.

'Cause I'm done this time. And I mean it. From the bottom of my belly. I mean it. I am so much happier when I am not muddled up with assholes, jerks and any other sort of lowlife. I am okay with being by myself. And I mean that.

I was happy just being me and somehow I forgot that. He made me forget that. And no guy should ever do that. So I'll get happy again. I'll work at it.

And I'll be alone. And when I succeed I will know I've done it all by myself. And I can do anything all by myself.

Get Down Like That.

Stupid girl, stupid girls, stupid girls
Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back.

I stopped reading Cosmo magazine a long time ago. At the time it was an attempt to try and further cutlture myself beyond how many ripples there are in JT's abs and what J-Lo is wearing tomorrow.

But now I find myself missing it. No, I'm not looking to learn how to give a good BJ.

A quick google of "cat died excuses" had me lost in lists of "bad date excuses". Which just made me further wonder... was it an excuse? Did his cat really die at all?

Normally I would do what I usually do - scan the obit's for the supposed dead realtive. But I can't in this case. Surely Cosmo would have articles about the clever things guys do to avoid a girl. But where are those cosmos now? They were used months ago to line my rabbit cage.

The rabbit I bought after my last ex boyfriend turned into a psychotic fist tossin' maniac.

Don't get me wrong, I was pretty traumatized after my last dog died. And I have been known to rush my bunny to the emergency vet while sobbing madly.

But do guys honestly get this upset when a cat dies? And is a cat death any reason to pretend that someone doesn't exist?

The more I think about this the more confused I get. Trust me, if I could be a lesbian I would.

But I can't. And no. I haven't tried.

I guess I just can't stand not knowing. Part of my brain thinks that just knowing why would make me feel so much better. But the rest of the brian remembers how well this has worked in the past and maybe I should be satisfied with the unknown.

Somethings I guess, were just never meant to be figured out.

Maneater.

Come with me, stay the night
You say the words but boy it don't feel right
What do you expect me to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You take my hand, and you say you've changed
But boy you know your beggin don't fool me
Because to you it's just a game

So let me on down
Cause time has made me strong
I'm starting to move on
I'm gonna say this now
Your chance has come and gone
And you know.

My situation over the past few weeks, besides brining on the mounds of self-pitty and periodic crying fits. Has also made me question the entire meaning of what it is to be a "good" person.

Why is it, that a boy, would search down the first girl he ever kissed. I mean actively go out of his way to find her, then message her, phone her, chat with her on MSN, drive an hour and a half to visit her. Then. Out of no where. Drop off the face of the earth.

Just like that.

Was it something I said?

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

I'm a smart girl. I can figure out quantitative genetics and molecular developmental biology... but this truly stumps me.

Why would someone go out of his way to be such a dick?

Could he not just have left me alone? Been amused by lurking around my facebook profile? Lurking around my friends facebook profiles? Why did he have to go so out of his way to be mean.

And if those weren't his original intentions then what could have so drastically changed his mind in the matter of a day? What happened in that day that I was so oblivious to?

What scares me the most is that I may have actually done something, maybe something that I have been doing all along that got me into this situation but I have absolutely not even a smidge of an idea of what.

I would have been completely happy if had forever remained anonymous. Two months ago I found myself wondering whatever happened to him but now I wish I had never found out.

Ignorance was bliss.

Christmas Is Coming.

Insomnia gets into every nook. It makes me walk around my apartment in circles. It makes me stare out the window without even looking at anything. It makes me watch bad tv movies and beg for something productive to do.

Sometime. Just something to take my mind off of how I feel.

It makes me not want to go to bed, it makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about having to wake up tomorrow with that feeling.

It makes me not excited for anything.

It makes me feel like there is nothing there. Like I don't know how I'm going to go on pretending like im still normal.

I don't want to be a zombie anymore. I don't want to either be nothing. Or crying. I want to be able to know when someone loves me and I want to tell the people that say they love me whats making me feel so bad.

I don't want to be sad anymore but I don't know how.

Hello Time Bomb.

You didn’t say you’re sorry
I don’t understand
You don’t care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the man.

When it happens once you can say it was wasn't you. You can pretend that whatever happened was no fault of your own. But the fifth time it happens its so hard to pretend that it's just not you.

I don't know what I ever did to deserve this. I dont' understand whats wrong with me, and when I don't know I can't fix it. I'm sorry I ever tried, I'm sorry I ever got back up and I'm sorry I ever thought that this time, that maybe this one time, it may actually work out.

I give up. And I won't ever try again. I'm done. I get it. I get it now and I'm sorry I didn't get 4 times ago.

No more. I'm taking my heart off my sleve.

Please, don't ever remember me, because I'm just so not worth it.

I Wish.

Yeah, I called ya fat.
Look at me, I'm skinny
It never stopped me from gettin' busy

Ahhh. Procrastination. My friend.

So far tonight, we've joined meaningless facebook groups, made up a dance to Bust A Move by Young MC, ate half a dozen york pepermint patties, smell checked my armpits, calculated how badly I can fail tomorrows exam and still end up with an A in the class, waited for my painfully slow internet connection to load the lyrics of Humpty Dance by Digital Underground and written a completley useless blog entry not related to anything major occuring in my life at this moment.

What Goes Around... / ... Comes Around

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much

Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

There are few reservations this time. Last time it felt so wrong, right from the beggining.

We had a talk. No, not the "the" talk, a talk. And we decided that maybe it might be nice to be more than friends. That maybe we will turn left instead of right.

And if we crash and burn, we will leave with more than we ever had.

For once I don't feel pushed, I don't feel chased. I feel like I am walking with my own two feet.

And it feels good.

Karma feels good. I've paid my dues, I've done enough, I've seen the other side. Now its time for me to see where the grass actually is greener.

I'm Willing.

There is something that I must confess to you tonight
To you tonight
And that is I expect nothing less from you tonight
From you tonight

Go on save your scissors
Save your scissors
Save your scissors

I am (roughly) 15 minutes away from seeing my first kiss. From touching him for the first time in 17 years.

I am 15 minutes away from seeing someone who remembered me, when I was so young I couldn't help but be myself.

15 minutes away from something I could have never imagined. Which will, at the least, prove to me that anything is possible.

At least when I least expect it.

Get It Together.

Lucy and Linus and Charlie Brown
Oh how Snoopy he never left the ground
Oh that is true
You remember me like I remember you

Oh, I wonder where you are
My heart says you're not far from me
It's so hard for me
To leave those years behind
Oh, cotton candy carousels
Gotta find that wishing well
To wish you back to me
That's the way I feel inside

Somtimes things happen so fast that by the time my brain catches up with me its too late. I'm not crying because we talked all night. I'm not crying 'cause I'm terrified he might never show. I'm crying because I can't beleive that someone remembered me.

Me.

I wish that I didn't have to over-think. I wish I didn't have to lose my appetite and my sleep. I wish that every time something like this happens all I want to do is go back in time and do it all over.

I wish that everytime something like this happened I didn't worry about it being the last time I can ever take it again.

I feel like its not even real and all I want to do is tell my brain shut up. I just want to be myself. I just want to be real, even if this isn't.

I just want to be me. And I just want me to be okay.

Dreaming with a Broken Heart.

Please don't let this be a mistake.

Please.