Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, and leave me alone.

When I was little I can count on one hand the times I saw my mum be sad. The times I saw her be frustrated, hurt, not the same. I remember that feeling deep in my belly when she was frustrated, hurt, not the same. I never wanted my mum to be like this. It was scary, it was unsafe, it was uneasy. I counted on her to be constant, to always be herself, to always be mum.

When I went to school I could never be frustrated, hurt, not the same. The time I was caught cheating on my spelling test and my grade 4 teacher dragged me out in the hall.

"why would you do that? what would make you do such a thing?"

I spent the weekend visiting my dad in the mental hospital, I spilled the caramel corn I brought him all over the floor. And some lady told me she used to be in the circus. My dad said that someone peed on his bed and I saw the cell he lived in. I didn't get home in time to study my spelling words because I cried all the way back and spent the night clutching a stuffed seagull that smelled like him.

"I forgot"

Then when I got older and pretending got to be too much. When always being happy, when never being sad suddenly caved in on me. I couldn't tell anyone.

I couldn't let anyone know.

When I go to work and someone yells at me it's always because they are having a bad day. Because their life sucks. When I have a bad day at work it's because I suck. I'm not allowed to have bad days, I'm not allowed to be frustrated, hurt, not the same. Then when I come home I have to leave it all behind. I'm not allowed to have bad days at work, I'm not supposed to be stressed out, I worry too much.

I can't be frustrated, hurt, not the same.

Everybody wants me to be "Laura" but no one understands that "Laura" has bad days.

My pills don't make me perfect, they make me function.

Last time I checked it was okay to be frustrated, hurt, not the same. I can't help it if I am too.

A Beautiful Mess.

Now everybody got the game figured out all wrong
I guess you never know what you got till it's gone
I guess this is why I'm here and I can't come back home
And guess when I heard that when I was back home

Every interview I'm representing you making you proud
Reach for the stars so if you fall you land on a cloud
Jump in the crowd, spark your lighters, wave em around,
And if you don't know by now, I'm talking about Chi town,

Do you think about me now and then?
Do you think about me now and then?
Cause I'm coming home again

When I left everything was muddy. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to run. I had so much to run from and no where to go.

I tore my apartment apart from corner to corner searching for a stupid iPod. I can't possibly run without it. I told myself I would stay. But I went.

My third time up Grosvenor hill I remembered. Yoga bag. I left it in my yoga bag.

And if I can run 42km I can do anything.

No one can take that away from me. No one can ever take my 42km away.