Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.
I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, and leave me alone.
When I was little I can count on one hand the times I saw my mum be sad. The times I saw her be frustrated, hurt, not the same. I remember that feeling deep in my belly when she was frustrated, hurt, not the same. I never wanted my mum to be like this. It was scary, it was unsafe, it was uneasy. I counted on her to be constant, to always be herself, to always be mum.
When I went to school I could never be frustrated, hurt, not the same. The time I was caught cheating on my spelling test and my grade 4 teacher dragged me out in the hall.
"why would you do that? what would make you do such a thing?"
I spent the weekend visiting my dad in the mental hospital, I spilled the caramel corn I brought him all over the floor. And some lady told me she used to be in the circus. My dad said that someone peed on his bed and I saw the cell he lived in. I didn't get home in time to study my spelling words because I cried all the way back and spent the night clutching a stuffed seagull that smelled like him.
"I forgot"
Then when I got older and pretending got to be too much. When always being happy, when never being sad suddenly caved in on me. I couldn't tell anyone.
I couldn't let anyone know.
When I go to work and someone yells at me it's always because they are having a bad day. Because their life sucks. When I have a bad day at work it's because I suck. I'm not allowed to have bad days, I'm not allowed to be frustrated, hurt, not the same. Then when I come home I have to leave it all behind. I'm not allowed to have bad days at work, I'm not supposed to be stressed out, I worry too much.
I can't be frustrated, hurt, not the same.
Everybody wants me to be "Laura" but no one understands that "Laura" has bad days.
My pills don't make me perfect, they make me function.
Last time I checked it was okay to be frustrated, hurt, not the same. I can't help it if I am too.
I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, and leave me alone.
When I was little I can count on one hand the times I saw my mum be sad. The times I saw her be frustrated, hurt, not the same. I remember that feeling deep in my belly when she was frustrated, hurt, not the same. I never wanted my mum to be like this. It was scary, it was unsafe, it was uneasy. I counted on her to be constant, to always be herself, to always be mum.
When I went to school I could never be frustrated, hurt, not the same. The time I was caught cheating on my spelling test and my grade 4 teacher dragged me out in the hall.
"why would you do that? what would make you do such a thing?"
I spent the weekend visiting my dad in the mental hospital, I spilled the caramel corn I brought him all over the floor. And some lady told me she used to be in the circus. My dad said that someone peed on his bed and I saw the cell he lived in. I didn't get home in time to study my spelling words because I cried all the way back and spent the night clutching a stuffed seagull that smelled like him.
"I forgot"
Then when I got older and pretending got to be too much. When always being happy, when never being sad suddenly caved in on me. I couldn't tell anyone.
I couldn't let anyone know.
When I go to work and someone yells at me it's always because they are having a bad day. Because their life sucks. When I have a bad day at work it's because I suck. I'm not allowed to have bad days, I'm not allowed to be frustrated, hurt, not the same. Then when I come home I have to leave it all behind. I'm not allowed to have bad days at work, I'm not supposed to be stressed out, I worry too much.
I can't be frustrated, hurt, not the same.
Everybody wants me to be "Laura" but no one understands that "Laura" has bad days.
My pills don't make me perfect, they make me function.
Last time I checked it was okay to be frustrated, hurt, not the same. I can't help it if I am too.
posted by Laura at 9:42 PM
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