If I Were A Boy.

When I was in grade twelve I made a list of every quality a boy must have for me to think about going out with him. Ten years later I can't believe how much of it is still true.

Maybe I need to refer to this list more often.

1. No cheap-ass stuffed animals
2. Has to eat more than me
3. I don't want to hear you breathe
4. Can't be a virgin
5. Don't be touching me all the time
6. Don't slobber
7. Drive a nice car and don't bitch about gas money
8. Pay for stuff
9. Make me laugh
10. Don't be bald
11. Be outgoing for gods sake
12. Socialize with my friends
13. Socialize with anyone
14. Don't call me every night
15. I don't celebrate 1 hour, 1 month, or 1 day anniversaries... 1 year - maybe
16. We're not talking about marriage
17. Know the answers to all my questions about calculus and chemistry
18. Don't ask questions you already know the answers to
19. Respect my infatuation with Robbie Williams and agree to watch all his DVDs with me and listen to his CDs in the car
20. Refer to my gut as "cute"
21. Buy me food, not cheap gifts
22. Know my McDonald's, Taco Bell and Mancho Wok orders off by heart
23. Tell me when I have boogies hanging from my nose, stuff in my teeth or something on my bum... and when you tell me, put the word "cute" in front of the body part in question
24. Grab my bum then don't say anything but look at me like its the best bum in the universe
25. When you kiss me... in private... don't go in for the kill... kiss s-l-o-w-l-y
26. If I want to drink, you drive. If I don't want to drink, you may drink, but do NOT get drunk
27. When I get drunk take care of me
28. Be nice to my parents and laugh at my dad's dumb jokes, even if they aren't funny. Unless I get embarrassed, in which case shut up.
29. Don't call me until after 10am unless I ask you to
30. Refer to my martha-ish ideas as "good things"
31. Be willing to go shopping with me but don't be too into it... that's gay... literally
32. Enjoy hanging out with my friends, or at least pretend to - then later tell me which ones you don't like
33. Can't shave your legs
34. Have at least one nice, well-placed tattoo
35. Have at least one speeding ticket and don't let it affect your crazy driving
36. Have some sort of future that involves more than a high school education
37. Enjoy dancing but don't be good at it
38. Work out at least 3 times a week and invite me to go with you
39. When I say or do something stupid, tell me, but don't make me feel stupid
40. Don't call me unless you have something to say
41. We should be able to have conversations for hours on end, or just sit around and say nothing
42. Understand my aunt-flo is a real pain
43. If I do something mean to you, forgive me right away, but if you do something mean to me I get at least 2 days to think about forgiving you
44. When you pick me up don't grunt like I'm heavy
45. If you want to surprise me with something make it candy, food or something useful and interesting - flowers are for when I'm sad
46. If we play a game together don't let me win, but don't make me feel dumb either
47. If you're willing to watch a movie I like it's okay to fall asleep (as long as you paid) but if I'm willing to watch a movie you like then I get to bitch about how bad it is
48. Your favourite movies must involve guns, gangsters or unnecessary violence
49. Listen to music I hate, but know my favourite songs
50. Don't sing while we are in the car, unless we are both singing really loudly
51. Have a group of guy friends you hang out with
52. It's okay to tell your guy friends our dirty secrets - as long as you make them jealous
53. Don't give me jewelry or clothes - unless I pick them out
54. Have at least one childish quality - superman underpants, a pet rock...
55. Briefs are a giant no-no
56. Enjoy sports, but don't expect me to
57. Just because I'm lazy, doesn't mean you can be
58. Eat as much junk food as me
59. Don't steal my sayings
60. Be able to fix things
61. Be able to laugh at yourself
62. Be romantic when it's appropriate and goofy when it's appropriate - but know when it's appropriate
63. Be adventurous
64. Be a good dresser- or when you want to dress grundgy know it and admit to it
65. Read maxim, sports illustrated... NOT readers digest or people
66. Don't cry at sad movies
67. I can have a gut, not you
68. When I look at you with clothes on I want to be imagining you with clothes off and when I look at you with no clothes on I want you to make me say mmm...
69. Say "I love you" first, but only if you mean it - and after you're sure I love you too
70. The first time you forget to wash your hands after using the bathroom is the last time I ever let you touch me
71. Don't be grossed out by anything
72. Don't hog the covers
73. Don't name any part of your body - or mine
74. Heads-up-seven-up is the game of the gods, I want to play as soon as I feel like it so you better round up 10 other people fast
75. "your mom" = your death

Stop This Train.



I was naïve
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping

Got caught in your web
And I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely

Oh and it hurts my soul
Cuz I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cuz I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from ya
I need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away

I should have known
I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smoke
It was all an illusion

Now I've been licking my wounds (licking my wounds)
But the venom seems deeper (deeper, deeper)
We both can seduce
But darling you hold me prisoner (prisoner)

I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
and I'm feigning for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need oh

I can't mend
This torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from ya
I need to walk away from ya

Everytime I try to gasp for air
I am smothered in despair it's never over, over
Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare
I let out a silent prayer, let it be over, over

Inside I'm screaming
Begging, pleading
No more
Ah ah

I don't know what to do
My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true
Each beat reminds me of you

Oh it hurts my soul
Cuz I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cuz I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need oh

I'm about to break
I cant stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
And I'm feigning for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need oh

I can't mend
This torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

Yea
Oh...
I said...
I need to get away from ya
I need to walk away from ya


Only thing I need to do is walk away from you

I need to get away from ya
I need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, get away, walk away

If I could go back to this moment, to the moment this picture was taken. So excited. So hopeful. I'd take it all back.

I'd grab my hand. I'd stop myself.

I'd stay home.

But it's too late. I can't take it back.

I can't mend
This torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from.

Turn around. Don't go. Come back.
Please don't go. Please.

It's too late.

It's always too late. And I don't know why.