Swallowed.

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

I spoke too soon.

The TA position fell through and time traval became possible.

Because I've been sucked back to 1996.

A girl in my class, told another group of girls in my class that I hated them. Do I? No. Then why did she say it? I don't know. And as much as I professed my distaste for shit disturbers - The me ten years ago cried right along with me last night.

I just don't get it. I just don't get why she has to be so mean. And why can't I just get that its probably just all her fault. Why can't I get it out of my head that I somehow deserved this? Did I talk too much? Was I too loud? Was it something I said?

And now shes telling everyone that I'm giving her dirty looks and that I hate her too. Shes announcing it to groups of people and harrassing my friends.

Was it something I didn't say?

Can I go home now?

Everyone tells me I am bigger than this and I'm too old to play these games. No one wants to sit and cry, no one wants to toss up the white flag and spend the next two years like I did the last 10, except for the me I was in 1996. She wants me to run away and never look back.

Twenty-three and I'm all cried out.

Let's Go Crazy.

When the world is on your shoulder
Gotta straighten up your act and boogie down
If you cant hang with the feeling
Then there aint no room for you this part of town
cause were the party people night and day
Livin crazy thats the only way

So tonight gotta leave that nine to five upon the shelf
And just enjoy yourself
Groove, let the madness in the music get to you
Life aint so bad at all
If you live it off the wall

In the past two weeks I've learned that if you screw something up more than anyone could have expected you would screw it up... somewhere up there, whoever is in charge will give you a second chance.

Case and point. The last four years of my life.

If I was certain that God was playing a major role in my destiny I would thank him right about now.

All I hope for now is that two years from now I am not reciting this same speal. I can't possibly screw up that badly two times... can I?

This time around I'm diving in head first. I'm joing clubs and arranging social gatherings. I'm dressing like a rock star and finally (finally!!!) I feel... happy. Happy? Yes. Happy.

I will not screw this up. So God help me I will not screw this up.

I have a meeting/orientation this afternoon about my TA position. Slightly scary that they are entrusting me to mold young minds but it should be good for a laugh. And it should get me out of my nursing bubble... at least for an hour a week.

I'll admit, a little part of me is in it for the boys.

Men?

Whatever.

Best Of Friends.

























When you rush around in hopeless circles
Searching ev'rywhere for something true
You're at the age of not believing
When all the "make believe" is through

When you set aside your childhood heroes
And your dreams are lost up on a shelf
You're at the age of not believing
And worst of all you doubt yourself

You're a castaway where no one hears you
On a barren isle in a lonely sea
Where did all the happy endings go?
Where can all the good times be?

You must face the age of not believing
Doubting ev'rything you ever knew
Until at last you start believing
There's something wonderful...
Truly wonderful in you

Today I got into a county fair for free. I gushed over rows upon rows of bunnies. I saw a pigeon rolling contest and I laughed in a barn full of cows. I ate an over cooked hotdog and took a picture of the fair's biggest pumpkin.

And I remembered what it was like to love to make someone happy. And I remembered what its like to love to just be alive.