Get The Joke.

Hey, hey, family coach
My family coach
You've got to make the most
The most of your family coach

Meanwhile on the family coach
The postillion quietly spoke
He said, "You can not leave your family coach
This is not a joke
We must work out our differences
Though none of us may change
We all take different routes through life
But your coach will stay the same."

Hey, hey, family coach
My family coach
You've got to make the most
The most of your family coach

The shit hit the fan, and while I managed to duck, it still got messy.

My crazy (perhaps fucked up is a better term) has gone off the deep end and taken her entire family with her. And it makes me so angry I could actually spit nails.... or at least thumb tacks.

And while I could jump off the deep end right after her. I won't.

Is it really possible to cut someone out of your life who was never really there?

My only wish for all this family squable is that they spend eternity sitting in their own sauce. They cooked the stew now its their turn to eat it.

I will say this though, I have been angry before. I was mad that time at work when I was ridiculed for following the rules, I was mad when Toronto lost my transcript... but I have never been quite this mad before.

Too bad for them, they just earned a first track ticket out of my life, mind and heart. Aunt? I don't have an aunt... cousin's... never heard of them.

If they really knew anything about me or the ones I love the most they would understand everything we have gone through to stand where we are today. You think autism is bad? You have no idea.

Get off my family coach before I forget that you were never really on.

True To Your Heart.

Why don't you be my girlfriend*
I'll treat you good
I know you hear your friends when they say
You should
Cuz if you were my girlfriend*
I'd be your shining star
The one who'll show you where you are
Girl** you should be my girlfriend*

* may substitute "boyfriend"
** may substitute "boy"

Have you ever completely half-assed something... no wait, quarter-assed something... and you end up doing better than you ever really should have?

I got 93% in Nursing Research Methodology.

What?

Huh?

Come again?

Exactly.

But wait, it gets better. One of my group memebers nominated me for the "Leadership Bonus". Someone took the time to write up a one page report on how great I am and how I deserved an extra 3.5% more than I was originally worth.

I feel like I just realised the cashier gave me too much change back.

This just in, Lance Bass is gay. Ya okay, so yesterday. I bet those astraunauts are thankin' their lucky stars he didn't get into space! I don't know why but I think all astronauts are homophobes .... or is that homophones?

On the way to the mall this afternoon the radio-lady said that someone from each boy band is gay.

You don't say. Alright... Lance, Howie, John, that guy from BoyzIIMen, Zack Hanson... no wait, is he the one who got married?... George Michael, the creepy guy from ColorMeBad with the curly stringy hair and pointy nose.

If 5% of the general population is gay... then why such a disproportionate number in boy bands?

Maybe its all those hours spent rehearsing those pelvic thrusts and hip swings with young boys.

If you can't beat em... join em! Right?

Layla.

































did you give up?
did it get easier?
did all those things you wanted
come together in the end?
was i the one?
was i even There?
did you ever really notice how i
never really cared?

she smiled and looked at me and said

you don't know what it's like(what its like what its like)
you don't know what it's like(what its like whats it like)
i feel like nothing at all
you don't know what it's like(what its like whats it like)

Everyone won't admit this, but everyone also likes to be condescending... sometimes.

I like to be condescending in my own head. It's what keeps me sane. I make snide remarks, role my eyes, scrunch up my forehead and lift up the tip of my nose, in my head.

It doesn't make it right... but I know its wrong. I feel badly about it after and I think about how I would feel if that was me.

If my fashion sense was that bad, or my common sense was that lacking.

But someone I know likes to be condescending on the outside. And its demeaning. She accomplishes everything she sets out to. To make me feel like an idiot. It used to be she would only get uptight about things she thought she really knew everything about. But. Now. It seems like nothing I say can go without some form of correction.

For someone who prides herself on accepting everyone's differences she has so little tolerance for flaws. We can't all be as smart as her, and she knows it. She flaunts it. It frustrates her.

And the more I try to ignore it, the more I try to accept it and the more I try to see past it. She does it more.

So now what? I play out in my head what it would be like to tell her how I feel. She'd be condescending.

"how could you feel like that?... I'm not like that at all... so what? you don't want to be my friend?... you've got it all wrong"

In a perfect world she would admit she has been wrong. She would stand corrected for the many times she has corrected me.

The truth be known she is starting to make me feel like some sort of child and its becoming increasingly difficult to be around her without acting exactly how I feel she thinks I am.

Maybe I don't know everything she does. Maybe I never took any of the classes that she did, or read any of the books, or went any of the places. Maybe we are completely different people. But I do know lots of things that maybe she never thought of. And maybe she should just start recognizing me for who I am... me.

I am not any worse of a person because my mum pays my rent, or because I've worked the same job for the past years.... there is nothing wrong with me becaues I don't like reading the newspaper and I don't want to go where you have been. Everything that makes you different doesn't make her better and it doesn't make me worse.

I wish she would just open her eyes and look around for a bit... at least long enough to see me running away, maybe before its too late.

Shiny Happy People.

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

My name is Laura. And. I am addicted to Body Butter.

But not just any Body Butter. Expensive Body Butter. Twenty Dollar Body Butter.

Body Butter made from 10% olive oil. Body Butter that comes with its own minature scoopula for spreading evenly.

I just can't help it. I can't remember to put on deoderant everyday or brush my teeth three times a day. But I have yet to miss a twice daily drenching in Body Butter.

I think about Body Butter all the time. When's the next time I can put on my Body Butter? When can I buy some new Body Butter? How will I afford my Body Butter habbit? Is that Body Butter I smell?

Can I eat my Body Butter?

I tried... it tastes like numb. And then I read the label.

FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY.

whoops-a-daisy.

(I'll Be) Your Candle on the Water.

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm on a working streak. Tomorrow is my first day off in eight days. Three days of which I had to live at work. And after tomorrow? Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.... wait a minute, am I supposed to be half time?

Sigh.

My life has become diapers, spit rags, mary poppins and rattlin' bog.

This morning my man-boss lectured me on how to cook water. You see, you have to place the pot directly over the burner, so that the flame sits under it just so. Then you must put precisely the correct amount of water in the pot and put the temparture at just the right setting as to optimally cook water.

Give me a break. I have more education than the brain in his head and his dick combined. The guy spent the weekend in a pool where people were having sex and barfing (called a "water bar" in Ohio apparently) and he's teaching me how to cook water? I am all for a job thats easy, but this is becoming painful.

There are only so many times it is humanly possible to watch Bambi.

So what fun things do I have planned for my day off? Homework... mailing a baby card... and watching Canada's Next Top Model.

Like I don't know who will win. They are all just so.... blah.

Okay what else is new. Oh... my brother got engaged. You can pick yourself up off the floor now. Him and his other half showed up at my door (well my work door) Friday evening to announce the big news. And all I could think about was how nothing was ever going to be the same... and how he never fails to out shine even my brightest moments. So while everyone should have been talking about what a fabulous job I did at University and my future plans, they will be talking about the upcoming wedding. And both my parents will be beaming.

I won't be included in the wedding. My brother would never have me stand up for him and neither would she. I won't have anything to do but sit in the crowd and be embarrassed.

I can't wait.

Hey look its me! Over here!! Oo Oo look!!!

As if I wasn't already feeling like the only person I ever fight for is myself. And if I can't even be proud of myself then I guess no one will.

Yesterday I got a happy graduation card from my crazy aunt. I mean CRAZY aunt. I feel sorry for her. I really do. And as much as I would like to accept her well wishes I know they are completely tainted with family hate. It was just a jab, a poke to dig a little deeper and stir the family drama pot just a little bit more. At one side I have my mum poking me to egg her on, to email her and engage in her stupid little game. Then on the other side is the rationale side of my brain that is just screaming for me to leave it alone. Stay out of it, leave it alone and it too will go away. At least for a little while.

Just add it to my list of "don't go there's". Lately its been getting a little too long.

Get Over Yourself.
























So what am I not supposed to have an opinion
Should I be quiet just because Im a woman
Call me a bitch cos I speak whats on my mind
Guess its easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled

On the surface I've had one of those life-shattering, life-altering, oh-my-god weeks.

On the surface - I got fired, got in trouble at work for being neglectfull and scored 25% on a final exam.

On the surface.

But if you dug a little deeper you'd find that I was a million times LESS neglectful than the child's own parents (and absolutely no harm was done!), I was sacked... but only because the organization I work for is getting out of the home-care buisness... and yes the registrar's office does believe I scored 25% * ... contrary to the 85.5% the prof says I received **.

And none of this really matters, becuase I am on vacation, I was going to quit at the end of the summer anyway... and my professor is going to fix my little grade problem.

But still. I woke up at 7am this morning and tossed and turned until 9.30. 25%?? what if it was true?? what if I really did score that?? what kind of crack was I smoking that morning?

I knew that I had done worse than the midterm... but I had no idea it could have been that worse.

Thank goodness for false alarms. And thank goodness for that swift kick in the bum that reminded me that I can't infact be that fantastic at everything I do.

So, two and half days until this week is over and its already on the up. Who knew what started so torturous could maybe end up so grand?

* Note - that means the registrar wants me to beleive I deserve a big fat 70.
** Double-Note - just to rub salt in the wound, that makes a 91 in the course. Who knows anatomy now Dr. Partlow?!

Rescue Me.



























I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo
in so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably

I feel so sad tonight, but I just can't figure out why. One of those days I guess.

Maybe its because lately it just seems like nothing can go the way I want it to. A brief encounter with a friend last night left me feeling more like a left-behind than an equal.

It's so hard to be friends with someone who gets everything that's asked for and has no idea what it feels like to be in my shoes.

It's not that I don't want to go to Western. Because I do. And its not that I don't want to live in London. Becasue I do.

But its so hard admitting that you failed. And its even harder to convince everyone else that I'm okay with it when I am really not.

And its even harder being the only one who gets left behind. I don't know one other person who didn't get what they wanted... besides me.

Everyone tells me that I have no reason to be sad and there is nothing to cry about. And that makes it so much worse. Suddenly it just feels like everyone is running away from me as fast as they can and I didn't even do anything wrong.

It was just grad school Laura. That's all it was. I'll just keep trying. Not everyone could get in. I knew my chances were slim. So I'm doing something else instead and somewhere inside all of this jumble-ness I am excited that at least I can be doing something.

Worse could happen. Much, much, MUCH worse.

We support the poor, and we support people who drink too much, we support people who do drugs and we feel bad for people who encounter too much death.

But I have never ever heard of a place where people like me, who are learning the hard way that life just really isn't fair - can go for a hug.