Red Solo Cup

I was born this way, hey.

What is my life becoming if I am not even allowed to pick and choose who I like or don't like anymore. Why should I be made to feel like shit because I don't want to be your friend?? Why should I feel forced to try and pretend that I actually like you?

Why is it my fault that I just don't want to be friends. I treat you with respect, I go to work and do my job. Why do I have to like you? Why do I have to pretend that I even remotely care about you when clearly I don't? Are you really that desperate for friends that you will be belligerent with someone until they agree?

I just want to be left alone. I want to crawl into a hole and just be left alone.

I'm dammed if I do, I'm dammed if I don't and people think I'm a terrible person, no matter how much I try not to be. I can't imagine ever being as mean as people think I am on purpose... but I guess I can without even having to try.

Why anyone can even stand to be around me, I can't figure out.

Surrounded.

No I will not lay down
I will not live my life like a ghost in this town
I am not lonely swear to God I'm just alone
I'm back on my feet
I can just close my eyes and forget everything
My house is empty every memory blown away


I can take the conflict, I can take the drama, I can handle the bad feelings and mounting frustration.

But I can't take the fat jokes.

It's like having everything I've ever thought about myself shoved in my face, in front of everyone. In one "joke" it was telling me everything I thought of myself was true.

I'm worthless, I'm ugly, I'm scum.

And I'm fat.

I would never make someone feel like.

I hate myself enough, I don't need you to hate me more.

Love You Like A Love Song.

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you'd better run, better run, outrun my gun.
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet.

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you'd better run, better run, outrun my gun.
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet.

Tonight I realised that I am in a long-term, very serious and terribly committed relationship with running. I would rather spend a Friday night running, feeling that wind blow at my back, powering up a hill and cruising down the other side... feeling beautiful in every inch of my skin. I crave the 16's, 18's, 20's... I crave the anticipation, the struggle and the moment my body settles in and my legs move without thinking.

Running really is the perfect mate.

.... Baby One More Time.

Hip Hop Marmalade spic And span,
Met you one summer and it all began
You're the best girl that I ever did see,
The great Larry Bird Jersey 33
When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet
Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets
Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby
Something in your eyes went and drove me crazy
Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad,
Left one day and never came back
Stayed all summer then went back home,
Macauly Culkin wasn't Home Alone
Fell deep in love,but now we ain't speaking
Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

Two years have passed - two years since I thought I wasn't worth more than what he did. Two years later and I won't let it happen again. I am worth so much more - I am worth being alone if it means I have to be with someone like him again.

Hold It Against Me.

Jesus in a camper van he said sorry to
Leave you but I've done all I can
I suppose even the son of God
Gets it hard sometimes

Jesus in a camper van he said sorry to
Leave you but I've done all I can
I suppose even the son of God
Gets it hard sometimes

Blame yourself it's easier
There's no need to trouble her
Blame yourself it's easier
There's no need to trouble her

If I was going to make mistakes on purpose I would at least make them good.

If I could never make a mistake again believe me I would.

If I could fade into the wall and never be seen again that might be okay too.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people

Eleanor Rigby, picks up the rice
In the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream

Waits at the window, wearing the face
That she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

Last week a patient's parent asked me what was wrong with me because I don't have a husband.

In a split second I went from nurse to leper.

And it keeps me wondering, is there something wrong with not needing someone else?

Sometimes... to get where you really want in life, you have to give up something that's maybe not so bad. You have to take that deep breath, count to three and jump into that icy cold water. Because you are never going to know if things will be better if you keep sticking to what you know can only get worse.

I never liked my community job. I never liked the work, I never like the hours, I never liked the completely mind-numbing lack of a challenge.... but I liked how it was safe. It was easy, it was something I could do without any effort, without any fear or doing something wrong or making a grave mistake.

I've also NEVER quit a job. I know, right... twenty-seven years old and I have NEVER quit a job. I've waited until life gave me some other sort of "out" to quietly duck away.

But this time I did it. I sent the letter, I signed my name and I QUIT. I have waited for years to do this, to finally say that enough was enough and there were bigger and better things. But now as I approach my final 94 minutes of this job I can't help but feeling kind of blue.

I liked the patients. I liked the families, I liked the relationships I was able to form with my patients and how I was able to see first hand that I was actually helping. Every morning when the family awoke, refreshed and rested - having not had to take care of their loved one all night - I knew I had made a difference.

But I had to take a chance.

I have to believe that unless I am willing to take a chance and change something that nothing great will ever happen for me. And sometimes that means giving up something that feels good, for something that I'm not sure will feel great. But feeling good enough just isn't good enough anymore.

New Lululemon sweaters feel REALLY great.

It would be easy to get stuck in this job forever. It would be easy to keep trying to make 2... 3... 4... 5 jobs work but why should I have to? Why should I have to sacrifice my own sanity to try and keep a job that I never really liked in the first place? It's not going anywhere... and even if it was I wouldn't want it to. So why stick around?

Icey water here I come.

So as my final 89 minutes of this dreadful job come to an end I can't help but look back and realise just how much it has shaped who I am. Not just as a nurse, but as a person.

Where would if I hadn't been given the opportunity to meet all these "characters" in my story? The lady with the fly tape and car air freshners nailed to the wall... the time I heard the parents having sex... the endless supply of farm fresh produce... the excited smiles at 6am just to know i'm there.... the drives through snow-storms.... the trees that smooshed my car.... giving suppositories vengefully.... curled up in disgusting old chairs with 20 blankets on me trying to stay warm... ringing in the new year.... accepting Christmas presents....

... and on my last day, rewarding myself with a cheddar cheese bagel... a big glass of milk and crawling into bed on a Saturday morning at 8.30am... exhausted and grumpy for the very last time.