I Hate Myself For Losing You.

























Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey, Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.



I spent part of my day off yesterday leafing through old photographs that had collected in shoe boxes in my basement. I was looking for new pictures to collect on the walls of my new apartment but I ended up finding something else instead.

Old friends, lost friends, happy times, sad times behind smiles and the me that the me now wishes never happened.

As long as I can remember, I always wanted to be a Big Sister. I waited with baited breath for that moment that I could turn eighteen and sign myself up for my very own companion. All I wanted was someone who knew what it felt like to be me.

If other girls my age were having self-esteem crisis, I was having a complete nuclear war.

I was overweight and tied into clothes that desperately tried to hide any hint of a curve. Going to the hair dresser was worse than seeing the dentist and even worse after receiving a perm that never left. I was ridiculed, I was embarassed.

I was humiliated.

When I think of being twelve again all I see is how much it hurt. How much I tried so hard to hide and how much it failed. When all the cool girls didn't have boobs I wished mine away. I squashed them under bras three sizes too small and hid them under baggy shirts. I couldn't wear jeans becuase I was too big. They hugged my big thighs and dug into my nonexistant waist. I tried over and over to trap myself in clothes that were much too small. Only to be embarrassed by my mother in front of store clerks.

When I look at the pictures I don't ever remember being happy. Most of the pictures you would see me ducked behind another or sporting a rediculous grin. I wanted people to know I understood how awfull I looked.

Even today, 40 pounds thinner, a hair straightener at my disposal, I pretend that I never was that girl I used to be. She embarrasses me. But I am being so unfair.

How can I encourage my Little Sisters to love themselves no matter what when I can't even bring myself to pretend that I was once the me I try so hard not to be. How can I teach them that its whats inside that counts, that I will love them unconditionally and faithfully when I can't even forgive myself for being a human afterall.

I'm sorry I ever called you fat, I'm sorry I hid you away and beat you up. I'm sorry I tortured your soul and hated everything you were. I'm sorry I never gave you a chance to be yourself.

I'm sorry I made you into the me I am today that just can't take me back.