What's It Gonna Be.

Tell me why you're looking so confused
When I'm the one who didn't know the truth
How could you ever be so cold

For weeks now I have been debating whether or not I should just give in and ask.

What was it about me that made him act the way he did? I thought I had resigned to the fact that I am woman, hear me roar, I have no faults and I could not possibly be with someone who can accept me completely for everything I am, good, bad, ugly.

I had grand plans of signing myself off the nunery, formulating a list of everything a man MUST have to be with me and sitting around waiting for pigs to fly.

But over the past couple of days this feeling of doubt in my plan started to creep in. Is it better to not know... or to know and try to fix it?

By asking for some sort of explanation I take a lot of risks. The biggest one being that he emails me back with a list, or even one, major fault that made him want to pretend I was dead. Can I handle that kind of criticism? Can I take it with a grain of salt and thoughtfully reflect on it? Incorporate it into who I am and try not to let it happen again?

Or will I spin into a deep hole of self-pitty, self-hate and remorse?

The second risk is that he continues to pretend that I am dead and doesn't respond. Further making me wonder and further rotting away at my belly.

It's so easy to assume that he's the asshole. It's a cop out and its an excuse to know what really happened. I can sit around with my girls and bash his brains out about what scum he is for treating me this way. Is it more noble to ask if it was my fault?

Is it better to know... or to assume?

I have decided to send the message... a simple line:

"do I at least get an explanation as to why you are pretending I don't exist?"

If the response comes I will have a choice to open or not to open. Maybe I will let it sit in my inbox until I am having a fantastic day and then open it and finally know what happened.

But I have to promise myself something. I have to promise that if things get ugly and things get even a smidge out of control I will call for help. I will reach out a hand and ask my friends and family to hold my hand as I take it one step at a time.

I have to promise that no matter how bad things get I am worth an explanation.